Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
