Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
