oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Randomize
