I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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