Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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