Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
