dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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