So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
