Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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