dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
