It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
