So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's shark week go big or go home
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
