Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
