I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
