Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
