dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
