I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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