He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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