im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
