but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I fill condoms, not promises.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
