i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
