this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I pour the whiskey from now on
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
