I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
