If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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