exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
