my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
