And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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