Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
