I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
