Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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