I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
