he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dear god my vagina.
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