i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
