She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need moral support for this bender
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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