I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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