I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
