I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
