onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
