Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
