I think I won the penis lottery.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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