I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
