someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
