Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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