just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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