I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
