Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
