Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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