what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
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Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Found the puke drawer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
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I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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