My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
