No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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