I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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