Already got asked if we're dating
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
