How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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