Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
