I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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