New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
