My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I need water and some morals
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
