mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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