Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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