There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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