I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
