Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
