You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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