We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How's work?
Spinning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
