I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
